I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I will pee on everything he values.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
