When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
