What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
