What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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