Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
