No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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