I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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