Have you finally orgasmed yet?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
