the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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