Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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