This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
