I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
