Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
