she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Randomize
