your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
