I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
