Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
