In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
