What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
