I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize