I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize