You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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