Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
