i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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