why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
