well I can't set my house on fire every night
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
