i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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