i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
