SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
