So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
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