I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
