he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
