walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
