Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
