wake up i wanna do it froggy style
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Come on in and take your pants off
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