I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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