He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize