yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
