He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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