I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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