I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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