We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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