This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
