Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
