i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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