that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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