Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
