Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
