census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
