So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
