so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
