i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There's a naked man in my car right now.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
