the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
