He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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