What did we do last night that was yellow?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I look better un-naked...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
