The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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