Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
