My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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