I just saw a hot homeless man
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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